Lazy much...?

OK, it's been a long time. for about the past 2 years i've had basically zero access to the internet. Ok, that's a straight out lie. in this day and age it's impossible to not have to use the internet for something at least EVERY DAY.  i have a smart phone, which has access to the internet. but there's no way in hell i'm updating a blog on smart phone. it's not that i don't love telling random strangers about my life, and never knowing who is reading my blog, or if anyone is reading it at all. i'm just so freaking lazy haha. Today i bought a computer. after two years of basically zero access to a computer (now it's not a lie anymore) i have on of my very own. I'm pretty excited. so who ever you are and who ever you aren't you can expect to see more and more updates on this blog from now on :)

I'm bored, let's do something...

Hello internet!
It's been a while, and i have some updates. since my last post in december (i'm the queen of procrastination) a lot has happened. but when i stack it all together and list the last few months in order... it's still boring. isn't that just how life always is? you get bored every once in a while and you find new things to do but in the end you forget what you did last year that one time when you were just sitting around bored out of your mind. I had an experience that resulted from an overdose of boredom and a remedy that ended up being deadly. My room mate and best friend, Nellie, thought that it would be fun if we floated down the Provo river last weekend. She knew some people who had done it the weekend before, drunk and had said it had been a fun time. turns out, people do it all the time and it's common to hear people talk about going down the river in their inner tubes. So Nellie, my sisters Kaylin and Kenna and I decided to buy some $2 dollar floaties (although me and nell splurged and got the $8 ones) and take a lazy run down the river. The floaties we bought are the lounge ones that you see girls tan on all the time and you wonder either how they got into the middle of the pool or how long they've been lyng there because they are not actually wet. We were wearing life jackets because it's the law but would have just as easily gone without them, and i was the only one wearing shoes. if flip flops that i bought at Old Navy 3 years ago count as shoes. As soon as we stepped in the water, i wanted to get out. the water was barely over 40 degrees F which is not surprising as the Provo river is basically melted snow even in mid-July. About 2 seconds after flopping onto my bright pink floatie (with arm and back rests... splurging, you gotta love it) my left faded purple flip flop was torn off my foot by the current. Which was much stronger and rougher than any of us had anticipated. As we floated away from the launch point and went on our way, a man standing on a bridge above us took time to cross himself on our behalf. about 50 feet down i found my lost sandal and slipped it back on only to have the other one disapear about 5 seconds later. soon my wondering shoe decided to go on it's own again and like my sisters and friend i found myself bare foot. after being banged and shoved and twisted through rocks and bushes and branches by the mischievous current we found ourselves standing on a shallow "island" in the middle of the river. Kenna's floatie had completely deflated and Nellie's had deserted her to go find my flip flops. our two remaining rafts were struggling with the four of us and the current was making balance difficult. after most of my body being in the water for only 30 seconds or so i was ready to get out. My sisters felt the same. I think Nellie would have kept going on, thirsty for adventure as she is, but she is also very perceptive. i'm sure she noticed that my sisters and i were ready to climb out of the river and walk back to the car we had left at the departure point. We definitely struggled with that. Climbing out of a river that is rimmed with spiky bushes and lined with jagged rocks was much more painful than i had expected, especially with all of us barefoot. we found an old rail road line that led the way back to nellies car and we began to walk the two most torturous miles of our lives. or at least mine. The railroad ties had been heating in the mid day sun and were just as hot as the river was cold. the earth between the ties felt just as hot and was covered in rocks as well. making a joke, but also half hoping people would think it a valid suggestion, i had the idea to rip up one of our remaining floaties and wrap the pieces around our feet as makeshift mocassins. Turns out that's just what we ended up doing. about ten minutes later we found the road and anyone driving past could clearly see us bruised, wet and with our feet conveniently wrapped in bright pink rubber trudging our way back to what seemed like heaven. Nellies air conditioning. the rubber/plastic/whatever that stuff is, wrapped around our feet helped but also were incredibly uncomfortable. They protected our feet from the immediate heat of the black top but it felt like our feet were slowly cooking. When we took our new shoes off later, you could actually see the sweat pour out from between the strips of what had been a very nice floating lounge chair. we did make it back home after the day felt like it should have ended 3 times over and we all had some rather pretty battle scars. Nell sported a goose egg on her left temple, accidental courtesy of moi when my efforts to hold onto a branch to keep from being swept away were futile. the branch having ended up hitting nell square on after me and the river had pulled it back a considerable distance... Nell, i'm sooooo sorry. Kenna had a sratch starting from under her right eye and curving all the way down to her chin from me and nellies branched neighber, a pointy stick. I am still sporting the mother of all bruises, at least four inches long and 2 wide, on my left thigh undoubtetly from a rock or six. Kaylin was emotionally scarred, but as far as i am aware she got away with some soarness the next day. Needless to say, i'm never going down that river unless i have a legite raft and a legite river guide again. Which it turns out is how your actually supposed to do it. How her drunk friends are still alive i really have no clue.

Impounded....bummer

Recently i've had a run of luck, both bad and good.  It's mostly bad, but because of the fraction of good luck i've had, sometimes i feel like i have no right to think my life currently sucks.  First, i was thrown out of my house and left practically homeless.  My dad got remarried about a week after the divorce was final with my mom to a rather pretentious and horrible lady who says the only reason people like her is becuase she's pretty.....which she isn't.  good luck happened when one of my co-workers said she was looking for a roomate and i jumped on that on oppurtunity because i was really sick of all my belongings in boxes.  For a few weeks after i moved in i didn't have a bed and was sleeping on the floor, but one of my moms friends out of the goodness of her heart gave me a new king sized bed that she had "laying around" in her basement.  That was most of the excitement and then on christmas day, my car died as i was driving it along the freeway.  it was one of the most shocking/terrifying moments of my life.  Everyone said it would be ok to leave my car on the side of the freeway and that i had 24 hours to get it towed...that's a lie, apparently it only two hours.  So my now broken car has been impounded and i need to get another one.  The tricky part is i had my last paycheck stub in my car because i was going to go to the bank today anyway.  So now my PCS is lying in the impound lit which i can't get because it's not actually registered as impounded yet.  So not only can i not go to the bank for a car loan because my PCS is in my car, but i don't have access to my car anyway.  So for the time being i'm screwed, relying on my mom's car for going back and forth to her house my house and work.  I'm really ready for some good luck to come back.... i feel selfish in saying so but i feel i deserve some major good luck from the universe. 

Ugly Girls Have More Sex

Inadequacy.  We all deal with it. Some better than others.  It's an epidemic not just in america but in the entire world.  People do countless things to make themselves "enough".  Pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough.  There's a constant struggle between people and who they think they are.  An unattractive girl, when propositioned by a man, is more likely to have sex with him than if he went up to a pretty girl and said the exact same things.  A smart girl dumbs herself down in order to be more approachable than say a girl who got a perfect SAT score.  Everything about ourselves we see as inadequate, unsuitable, useless, and insufficient.  People starve themselves, cut themselves open, and do things that make them hate themselves all because they want to be like everyone else. I recently did something that i didn't want to do because i was tired of being "wrong." I won't go into details because you never know who reads what on the internet but i will tell you i hated myself for doing it, but i told him everything was ok.  Even that i had a good time which i definitely did not.  For the past 3 days i've been beating myself up for compromising what i believed and wanted and knew i should have done, for a night with a man that i don't like or even respect.  Not to mention i respect myself even less now than i did before. All because i thought i was inadequate.  I thought that because i wasn't what the world wanted me to be that if i went ahead and became what i was supposed to be, i would feel better about myself.  That was a big no-no. Now not only do i have to deal with this guy i have to live with my stupid decision forever.  And now, i'm more inadequate than ever.    

I'm a Classic

I can't believe it's my birthday.  I know it is, but it doesn't feel like it.  I woke at the same time, ate the same breakfast although i did add some bacon because i wanted to treat myself.  Then, i got ready and i added some extra nice make-up touches because i wanted to look really good today of all days.  Then, i went to work where i am currently sitting in a drab, grey, little cubby and getting phone calls, not from well wishers, but from disgruntled customers.  So it feels like any other day.  Any other incredibly dull, and kind of depressing day.  I always do this, too.  I get so excited for my birthday because i only ever get one each year and when it gets here, nothing happens.  I feel the same as i did the day before, and how i will inevitably feel the day after.  Today I turned 20.  I'm no longer a teenager, but an adult.  Except i've been an adult for 2 years already.  And i'm an adult that can't drink.  Where is the fun?  Not to mention, everything happens in your twenty's.  you graduate college (sometimes), you get married, start a family, if your lucky you buy a house, IT'S ALL TO MUCH!  I understand that all this stuff doesn't happen at the same time (if you're lucky) but just the thought of all those situations freaks me out.  That's to much responsibility.  When your married you're responsible for that other person in several different ways, when you have kids you're COMPLETELY responsible for them, you become responsible for bills, car payments, mortgage payments etc. etc. it's all to much.  I feel like i'm being suffocated by all this stuff that i don't even have to deal with yet. Ew.  

Fairytales and Divorce

If you've read some of my past posts you know that i am currently living at home while my parents are getting divorced.  This has led to serious issues, not just with how my parents view each other but with how i view them.  When you're young you idolize your parents.  They're not ordinary people, they are flawless.  As you get older you lose that wonderment and adoration for them, but they are still your parents and when you have a problem you go to them.  At least that's how it is in a perfect world, but that world does not exist.  I've come to not only hate the thought of being like either of them, but to also pitying the people they are.  For people who know my philosophical side, you know i don't believe in pity.  I find it a wasted emotion, that isn't worth the energy.  Most people, when they hear this are shocked and think me heartless towards those in need.  They think that i am blatantly tellin them i dislike giving to charity, or striving to help someone who cannot help themselves.  These people are mistaking pity with compassion.  When i say i don't believe in pity i am merely stating that when i see a person who has been afflicted with some sort of handicap or disability i do not see the point in thinking that person is better off.  I firmly believe that God is responsible for all our strife and misfortunes, not because he's forsaken us, or doesn't love us, but because he does.  Without lifes terrible moments we would be unable to appreciate the ones that are beautiful.  In a world without night, would you ever appreciate the sun?  So when a person is afflicted with a birth defect or a tragic accident leaving them injured or an amputee, i see it merely as a sign of that persons strength.  If God knows you can make it through this life without the use of your eyes then you can, i you don't need anyone to help you.  And that is why i don't believe in pity.  Except until i found out more about the people who raised me.  I fnd that i no longer idolize or even truly love either of my parents.  I respect them as people, and will always be greatful for the life they gave me, but if i never saw either of them again, i would not be upset.  I would miss them both occasionally and for different reasons, but i would not search them out.  My mother is a victim.  A victim of society, and of fate.  My father is alone.  The only one who really understands his pain is himself.  Both of them are addicts.  Addicted to drugs, alcohol, sarcasm, and pity.  Thinking back on my life, my parents were never really there.  They have helped me with money, they have helped me with school, but they have left me to discover love, life, and meaning of all things on my own.  I can see each of them, but they are on the other side of a pane of glass.  Focused within themselves and not within the family.  I now live life hoping someday that when the time comes when i do meet "prince charming" that his parents, siblings, and friends will welcome me into a life that i never really had.  A life where all of my trials are not MY trials, but OURS.  I want someone who can save me, and who i can help save in return.  Even though my parents are divorced and angry, i still believe in love and marriage.  Some people say that marriage is outdated and all it is is a piece of paper, but so is money.  Marriage has whatever value you give it.  So does love, and being a hopeless romantic who thrives on love songs and stories of overcoming adversity for that one person who fills in that hole you never knew was there, i am quite certain that one day, i will have it.  And, unlike my parents, i will never see it as anything less than what it is.  A miracle of two souls who despite life and tragedy, become Atlas for the other, supporting the world on their shoulders so that the other may be spared the burden.   

A mile in my shoes.

I'm such a girl. Mostly because of my uncontrolable obsession with shoes. When i see a great pair of brightly colored, strappy, 4 inch heels i go crazy. Lately i've been wondering why is it girls tend to have such a fasciantion with shoes?? I'm sure any of you guys out there may have wondered the same thing, and now i have the answer. Shoes always fit. Women's clothes tend to fit differently from day to day, maybe because it's that time of the month and we're bloated, or simply because we weigh less or more than we did yesterday. But no matter what the scales tell you, unless you're pregnant shoes will always fit. It's very comforting to know that your shoes do not judge you on what you did or didn't put in your mouth. Jeans, tops, even a girls bra are always on the brink of not fitting quite right. But not shoes. Shoes love women and their bodies no matter what. That's also why we women are generally ok with the idea of wearing shoes that have the potential of making us fall on our face, or might make our feet bleed. Also, shoes can make you taller, make you ankles slimmer, make your legs look longer, and make your feet look dainty. They're the perfect accessorie, and I love them. And it doesn't hurt that they're pretty either.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can rent it for a long time

I love money. Mostly because i never have any. It's a problem. You can't live without money, which is in exaggeration because even the most poor people are still living. You just can't live without money and still have a roof. It sucks. I got my first paycheck in over a year today. I was on cloud nine before i realized that most of that paycheck is already spent. Bills, Payments, and the people i owe, have most of it. There's enough left over for gas and maybe if i budget a car wash. Which i find very exciting! I know, it's sad. I get my thrills from going to the car wash. But i live in Utah. The only things to do in Utah are go to the movies, or mini golf. Unless you have money and can afford to go skiing/snowboarding etc. Which i don't. It's always a bummer when you don't have the means to do the things that make you happy. Going to school, bungee jumping, playing an instrument, going on road trips. Then you think about those people who spend a million dollars a week on hair extensions and designer shoes. Are those things really necssary? Not to be critical of shoe designers, i love you all, but charging $600 for boots makes me feel slightly nautious. There are so many other worth while things a person could do with that money. I'm a person who thinks that no one should be too rich. Money in excess changes people. They begin to take things and especially people for granted. I want money, but i don't want to be rich.

$100 pair of jeans

There's something to having a really good pair of jeans.  I don't know what that is, because i've never actually had a pair.  At this point in time i have two pairs of jeans, which cost me $16 combined.  But i really want a really nice, tailored (most jeans are way to long because i'm only 4'9") pair of jeans.  It's on my list of things i've always sort of wanted but was either to afraid to ask for, or couldn't afford by myself.  Things like an ipod, a digital camera, and a mani-pedi.  I have a sister, Kaylin, who has more clothes in her closet than i've had in the last ten years.  She has such a pair of jeans.  As does my other younger sister, Kenna.  My only older sister Brianne, has never shown interest in owning any item of clothing that costs more than a week of groceries.  I feel a little left out, because i DO want nice things like my sisters have (like ipods, digital cameras and mani-pedis) but i feel incredibly guilty for making my parents pay for anything that i want or need, no matter the cost.  Seeing as I'm about to turn 20 years old, i don't see that as a bad thing.  But even when i was 15 if i asked to buy clothes that cost more than $20 i was given a lecture on the value of a dollar.  Also, not necessarily a bad thing.  I've always sort of felt like the wayward child, the black sheep, the runt of the litter (literally).  But sometimes, like today, all i can think about is how i'm no where near as "deserving" as my sisters.  Not only am i the shortest one (Kenna who's 14 is taller than me, and has been since she was 11), but i'm also the fattest one, the socially awkward one, and the one who is the most plain in appearance.  I'm not saying that for pity, or for any of my friends that read this to tell me it's not true.  I can tell by the questions that people ask.  People always ask my sisters whether there's a special someone in their lives, a boy they have a crush on, or that has a crush on them.  I have never been asked that before.  Mostly i think because no one really thinks of me as having admirers when i stand next to Kaylin, who is gorgeous.  I don't really blame them because there never has been a guy.  I have only ever been on one date.  A blind double date with my friends cousin.  It didn't go well, and we never saw each other or tried to even mke contact again.  There have been comments and suggestions made by family and friends, but mostly my parents, about how i'm not as social as brianne, as stunnig as kaylin, or as pleasant as kenna.  They suggest how i can make my eyes bigger, or my stomach smaller, bribing me with various things to lose weight.  Money, vacations, and a really nice, tailored, $100 pair of jeans.  Once upn a time, i was thrilled at the prospect that i might receive such lavish gifts if i went down a few dress sizes, but not any more.  After my first few attempts to drop some lbs. i began to feel incredibly insulted that my parents were only willing to offer me the things my sisters get so easily if i lost weight.  It felt like i didn't deserve it.  Like i don't deserve any of it.  Love, happiness, and the ability to walk into a store like Buckle and not feel like an imposter.  Someday, i'm going to walk in, buy a pair of fantastic jeans that fit me better than any other pair of pants i have ever or may ever own, and i won't feel like i don't belong there.  I won't feel like a fat girl in a skinny persons world.  Someday i'll have purchased and earned a $100 pair of jeans, for me, and just me.  Not so my parents will treat me like they do my sisters, not so i can go on more dates, and not so i can be accepted by society in general.  And then, i'm going to burn them.       

Maybe i'll buy a crystal ball.

I really think i might be psychic. I'm totally being serious, too. I don't see dead people, and i can't read your mind, but i do have dreams. Crazy dreams that come true. At first i just thought i had advanced cases of DeJa Vu. But there is overwhelming evidence that i have some psychic connection with future events. I have many stories where i've had a dream and the next day or even a month later they come true, down to the last detail. and it's not just a few seconds of time when i think "I've seen this before". There was once a time where it lasted for five miutes. It was pretty much the longest five minutes ever, mostly because i was sitting there waiting for everything to happen and when it did, it wasn't a surprise. BORING! Once i successfully predicted the hospilization of a close relative, my mother. It was new years eve and i was staying over at cousins house, and I woke up.  I remember exactley what the dream was that disturbed my silent slumber. It was the image of my mother, lying very ill in a hospital room. Just that image. I sat where i had awoken for hours before another person woke up for the day. My uncle had come to check on me and my sisters. later he said i looked like i was trying to solve the mysteries of the universe. Really, i was trying to decide whether what i saw was real or not. When i have these predictive dreams, they look different than just my normal every night dreams. Sort of how a soap opera looks different than prime time t.v. It's a subtle difference in lighting and film technique, but it's visible. This image of my mother had this subtle difference. As i lay pondering whether or not i should take action, my sister's cell phone rang. I remember she slowly reached down, still slightly asleep and groggily said, "'ello..." After a moment her posture changed. She sat up straighter and you knew she was completely awake now. After a short conversation, she hung up the phone. Looking over at me she said the fated words, "Mom's in the hospital." Everything kinda blends in after that. My mom was diagnosed with Chrones Disease, and we moved on with out lives. That was really the first time i took notice that a lot more of my dreams come true than is normal. This was about 4 years ago. I've had countless other dreams, most just about daily life, and not something so important as someones health. My favorite one is when I dreamt about 4 guys i had never seen before in my life. The next day i heard a song on the radio that i immediately loved. The station didn't announce the band or song name. So i waited to hear it again. I waited for a month and i never heard it! I went online and searched part of the chorus that i remembered and found the music video. When i watched it i realized that those four guys i had dreaming about for the past month made up this band! I was shocked. Ever since they've been my favorite band, and i even had the pleasure of meeting two of the members earlier in the year. So i really think i might be channeling some psychic-ness.