Impounded....bummer

Recently i've had a run of luck, both bad and good.  It's mostly bad, but because of the fraction of good luck i've had, sometimes i feel like i have no right to think my life currently sucks.  First, i was thrown out of my house and left practically homeless.  My dad got remarried about a week after the divorce was final with my mom to a rather pretentious and horrible lady who says the only reason people like her is becuase she's pretty.....which she isn't.  good luck happened when one of my co-workers said she was looking for a roomate and i jumped on that on oppurtunity because i was really sick of all my belongings in boxes.  For a few weeks after i moved in i didn't have a bed and was sleeping on the floor, but one of my moms friends out of the goodness of her heart gave me a new king sized bed that she had "laying around" in her basement.  That was most of the excitement and then on christmas day, my car died as i was driving it along the freeway.  it was one of the most shocking/terrifying moments of my life.  Everyone said it would be ok to leave my car on the side of the freeway and that i had 24 hours to get it towed...that's a lie, apparently it only two hours.  So my now broken car has been impounded and i need to get another one.  The tricky part is i had my last paycheck stub in my car because i was going to go to the bank today anyway.  So now my PCS is lying in the impound lit which i can't get because it's not actually registered as impounded yet.  So not only can i not go to the bank for a car loan because my PCS is in my car, but i don't have access to my car anyway.  So for the time being i'm screwed, relying on my mom's car for going back and forth to her house my house and work.  I'm really ready for some good luck to come back.... i feel selfish in saying so but i feel i deserve some major good luck from the universe. 

Ugly Girls Have More Sex

Inadequacy.  We all deal with it. Some better than others.  It's an epidemic not just in america but in the entire world.  People do countless things to make themselves "enough".  Pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough.  There's a constant struggle between people and who they think they are.  An unattractive girl, when propositioned by a man, is more likely to have sex with him than if he went up to a pretty girl and said the exact same things.  A smart girl dumbs herself down in order to be more approachable than say a girl who got a perfect SAT score.  Everything about ourselves we see as inadequate, unsuitable, useless, and insufficient.  People starve themselves, cut themselves open, and do things that make them hate themselves all because they want to be like everyone else. I recently did something that i didn't want to do because i was tired of being "wrong." I won't go into details because you never know who reads what on the internet but i will tell you i hated myself for doing it, but i told him everything was ok.  Even that i had a good time which i definitely did not.  For the past 3 days i've been beating myself up for compromising what i believed and wanted and knew i should have done, for a night with a man that i don't like or even respect.  Not to mention i respect myself even less now than i did before. All because i thought i was inadequate.  I thought that because i wasn't what the world wanted me to be that if i went ahead and became what i was supposed to be, i would feel better about myself.  That was a big no-no. Now not only do i have to deal with this guy i have to live with my stupid decision forever.  And now, i'm more inadequate than ever.    

I'm a Classic

I can't believe it's my birthday.  I know it is, but it doesn't feel like it.  I woke at the same time, ate the same breakfast although i did add some bacon because i wanted to treat myself.  Then, i got ready and i added some extra nice make-up touches because i wanted to look really good today of all days.  Then, i went to work where i am currently sitting in a drab, grey, little cubby and getting phone calls, not from well wishers, but from disgruntled customers.  So it feels like any other day.  Any other incredibly dull, and kind of depressing day.  I always do this, too.  I get so excited for my birthday because i only ever get one each year and when it gets here, nothing happens.  I feel the same as i did the day before, and how i will inevitably feel the day after.  Today I turned 20.  I'm no longer a teenager, but an adult.  Except i've been an adult for 2 years already.  And i'm an adult that can't drink.  Where is the fun?  Not to mention, everything happens in your twenty's.  you graduate college (sometimes), you get married, start a family, if your lucky you buy a house, IT'S ALL TO MUCH!  I understand that all this stuff doesn't happen at the same time (if you're lucky) but just the thought of all those situations freaks me out.  That's to much responsibility.  When your married you're responsible for that other person in several different ways, when you have kids you're COMPLETELY responsible for them, you become responsible for bills, car payments, mortgage payments etc. etc. it's all to much.  I feel like i'm being suffocated by all this stuff that i don't even have to deal with yet. Ew.  

Fairytales and Divorce

If you've read some of my past posts you know that i am currently living at home while my parents are getting divorced.  This has led to serious issues, not just with how my parents view each other but with how i view them.  When you're young you idolize your parents.  They're not ordinary people, they are flawless.  As you get older you lose that wonderment and adoration for them, but they are still your parents and when you have a problem you go to them.  At least that's how it is in a perfect world, but that world does not exist.  I've come to not only hate the thought of being like either of them, but to also pitying the people they are.  For people who know my philosophical side, you know i don't believe in pity.  I find it a wasted emotion, that isn't worth the energy.  Most people, when they hear this are shocked and think me heartless towards those in need.  They think that i am blatantly tellin them i dislike giving to charity, or striving to help someone who cannot help themselves.  These people are mistaking pity with compassion.  When i say i don't believe in pity i am merely stating that when i see a person who has been afflicted with some sort of handicap or disability i do not see the point in thinking that person is better off.  I firmly believe that God is responsible for all our strife and misfortunes, not because he's forsaken us, or doesn't love us, but because he does.  Without lifes terrible moments we would be unable to appreciate the ones that are beautiful.  In a world without night, would you ever appreciate the sun?  So when a person is afflicted with a birth defect or a tragic accident leaving them injured or an amputee, i see it merely as a sign of that persons strength.  If God knows you can make it through this life without the use of your eyes then you can, i you don't need anyone to help you.  And that is why i don't believe in pity.  Except until i found out more about the people who raised me.  I fnd that i no longer idolize or even truly love either of my parents.  I respect them as people, and will always be greatful for the life they gave me, but if i never saw either of them again, i would not be upset.  I would miss them both occasionally and for different reasons, but i would not search them out.  My mother is a victim.  A victim of society, and of fate.  My father is alone.  The only one who really understands his pain is himself.  Both of them are addicts.  Addicted to drugs, alcohol, sarcasm, and pity.  Thinking back on my life, my parents were never really there.  They have helped me with money, they have helped me with school, but they have left me to discover love, life, and meaning of all things on my own.  I can see each of them, but they are on the other side of a pane of glass.  Focused within themselves and not within the family.  I now live life hoping someday that when the time comes when i do meet "prince charming" that his parents, siblings, and friends will welcome me into a life that i never really had.  A life where all of my trials are not MY trials, but OURS.  I want someone who can save me, and who i can help save in return.  Even though my parents are divorced and angry, i still believe in love and marriage.  Some people say that marriage is outdated and all it is is a piece of paper, but so is money.  Marriage has whatever value you give it.  So does love, and being a hopeless romantic who thrives on love songs and stories of overcoming adversity for that one person who fills in that hole you never knew was there, i am quite certain that one day, i will have it.  And, unlike my parents, i will never see it as anything less than what it is.  A miracle of two souls who despite life and tragedy, become Atlas for the other, supporting the world on their shoulders so that the other may be spared the burden.   

A mile in my shoes.

I'm such a girl. Mostly because of my uncontrolable obsession with shoes. When i see a great pair of brightly colored, strappy, 4 inch heels i go crazy. Lately i've been wondering why is it girls tend to have such a fasciantion with shoes?? I'm sure any of you guys out there may have wondered the same thing, and now i have the answer. Shoes always fit. Women's clothes tend to fit differently from day to day, maybe because it's that time of the month and we're bloated, or simply because we weigh less or more than we did yesterday. But no matter what the scales tell you, unless you're pregnant shoes will always fit. It's very comforting to know that your shoes do not judge you on what you did or didn't put in your mouth. Jeans, tops, even a girls bra are always on the brink of not fitting quite right. But not shoes. Shoes love women and their bodies no matter what. That's also why we women are generally ok with the idea of wearing shoes that have the potential of making us fall on our face, or might make our feet bleed. Also, shoes can make you taller, make you ankles slimmer, make your legs look longer, and make your feet look dainty. They're the perfect accessorie, and I love them. And it doesn't hurt that they're pretty either.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can rent it for a long time

I love money. Mostly because i never have any. It's a problem. You can't live without money, which is in exaggeration because even the most poor people are still living. You just can't live without money and still have a roof. It sucks. I got my first paycheck in over a year today. I was on cloud nine before i realized that most of that paycheck is already spent. Bills, Payments, and the people i owe, have most of it. There's enough left over for gas and maybe if i budget a car wash. Which i find very exciting! I know, it's sad. I get my thrills from going to the car wash. But i live in Utah. The only things to do in Utah are go to the movies, or mini golf. Unless you have money and can afford to go skiing/snowboarding etc. Which i don't. It's always a bummer when you don't have the means to do the things that make you happy. Going to school, bungee jumping, playing an instrument, going on road trips. Then you think about those people who spend a million dollars a week on hair extensions and designer shoes. Are those things really necssary? Not to be critical of shoe designers, i love you all, but charging $600 for boots makes me feel slightly nautious. There are so many other worth while things a person could do with that money. I'm a person who thinks that no one should be too rich. Money in excess changes people. They begin to take things and especially people for granted. I want money, but i don't want to be rich.

$100 pair of jeans

There's something to having a really good pair of jeans.  I don't know what that is, because i've never actually had a pair.  At this point in time i have two pairs of jeans, which cost me $16 combined.  But i really want a really nice, tailored (most jeans are way to long because i'm only 4'9") pair of jeans.  It's on my list of things i've always sort of wanted but was either to afraid to ask for, or couldn't afford by myself.  Things like an ipod, a digital camera, and a mani-pedi.  I have a sister, Kaylin, who has more clothes in her closet than i've had in the last ten years.  She has such a pair of jeans.  As does my other younger sister, Kenna.  My only older sister Brianne, has never shown interest in owning any item of clothing that costs more than a week of groceries.  I feel a little left out, because i DO want nice things like my sisters have (like ipods, digital cameras and mani-pedis) but i feel incredibly guilty for making my parents pay for anything that i want or need, no matter the cost.  Seeing as I'm about to turn 20 years old, i don't see that as a bad thing.  But even when i was 15 if i asked to buy clothes that cost more than $20 i was given a lecture on the value of a dollar.  Also, not necessarily a bad thing.  I've always sort of felt like the wayward child, the black sheep, the runt of the litter (literally).  But sometimes, like today, all i can think about is how i'm no where near as "deserving" as my sisters.  Not only am i the shortest one (Kenna who's 14 is taller than me, and has been since she was 11), but i'm also the fattest one, the socially awkward one, and the one who is the most plain in appearance.  I'm not saying that for pity, or for any of my friends that read this to tell me it's not true.  I can tell by the questions that people ask.  People always ask my sisters whether there's a special someone in their lives, a boy they have a crush on, or that has a crush on them.  I have never been asked that before.  Mostly i think because no one really thinks of me as having admirers when i stand next to Kaylin, who is gorgeous.  I don't really blame them because there never has been a guy.  I have only ever been on one date.  A blind double date with my friends cousin.  It didn't go well, and we never saw each other or tried to even mke contact again.  There have been comments and suggestions made by family and friends, but mostly my parents, about how i'm not as social as brianne, as stunnig as kaylin, or as pleasant as kenna.  They suggest how i can make my eyes bigger, or my stomach smaller, bribing me with various things to lose weight.  Money, vacations, and a really nice, tailored, $100 pair of jeans.  Once upn a time, i was thrilled at the prospect that i might receive such lavish gifts if i went down a few dress sizes, but not any more.  After my first few attempts to drop some lbs. i began to feel incredibly insulted that my parents were only willing to offer me the things my sisters get so easily if i lost weight.  It felt like i didn't deserve it.  Like i don't deserve any of it.  Love, happiness, and the ability to walk into a store like Buckle and not feel like an imposter.  Someday, i'm going to walk in, buy a pair of fantastic jeans that fit me better than any other pair of pants i have ever or may ever own, and i won't feel like i don't belong there.  I won't feel like a fat girl in a skinny persons world.  Someday i'll have purchased and earned a $100 pair of jeans, for me, and just me.  Not so my parents will treat me like they do my sisters, not so i can go on more dates, and not so i can be accepted by society in general.  And then, i'm going to burn them.       

Maybe i'll buy a crystal ball.

I really think i might be psychic. I'm totally being serious, too. I don't see dead people, and i can't read your mind, but i do have dreams. Crazy dreams that come true. At first i just thought i had advanced cases of DeJa Vu. But there is overwhelming evidence that i have some psychic connection with future events. I have many stories where i've had a dream and the next day or even a month later they come true, down to the last detail. and it's not just a few seconds of time when i think "I've seen this before". There was once a time where it lasted for five miutes. It was pretty much the longest five minutes ever, mostly because i was sitting there waiting for everything to happen and when it did, it wasn't a surprise. BORING! Once i successfully predicted the hospilization of a close relative, my mother. It was new years eve and i was staying over at cousins house, and I woke up.  I remember exactley what the dream was that disturbed my silent slumber. It was the image of my mother, lying very ill in a hospital room. Just that image. I sat where i had awoken for hours before another person woke up for the day. My uncle had come to check on me and my sisters. later he said i looked like i was trying to solve the mysteries of the universe. Really, i was trying to decide whether what i saw was real or not. When i have these predictive dreams, they look different than just my normal every night dreams. Sort of how a soap opera looks different than prime time t.v. It's a subtle difference in lighting and film technique, but it's visible. This image of my mother had this subtle difference. As i lay pondering whether or not i should take action, my sister's cell phone rang. I remember she slowly reached down, still slightly asleep and groggily said, "'ello..." After a moment her posture changed. She sat up straighter and you knew she was completely awake now. After a short conversation, she hung up the phone. Looking over at me she said the fated words, "Mom's in the hospital." Everything kinda blends in after that. My mom was diagnosed with Chrones Disease, and we moved on with out lives. That was really the first time i took notice that a lot more of my dreams come true than is normal. This was about 4 years ago. I've had countless other dreams, most just about daily life, and not something so important as someones health. My favorite one is when I dreamt about 4 guys i had never seen before in my life. The next day i heard a song on the radio that i immediately loved. The station didn't announce the band or song name. So i waited to hear it again. I waited for a month and i never heard it! I went online and searched part of the chorus that i remembered and found the music video. When i watched it i realized that those four guys i had dreaming about for the past month made up this band! I was shocked. Ever since they've been my favorite band, and i even had the pleasure of meeting two of the members earlier in the year. So i really think i might be channeling some psychic-ness.

Typing's not as easy as it used to be....

About 2 or so months ago, i slammed my left pointer finger in a car door in a Burlington Coat Factory parking lot. Not slammed and it bounced off and i got a bruise, the car door shut completely and locked. It not being my car, i didn't have the keys to unlock it. My sister after hearing the sound i made when i realized what i'd done, immediatley rushed over with the keys and freed my finger. It happend in less than 20 seconds, but it felt like i was trapped there for a few minutes at the least. When i was finally set free and my finger released, i almost didn't dare look at the damage. But curiosity won out. My finger was a mottled purple streaked with red and blue. It was almost completely flat where the door had slammed it and i could no longer feel it. I was certain that it was broken. Instead of going to a doctor like i probably should have, i walked in to Burlington and helped my sister pick out a dress to wear to a relatives wedding. I don't know why i didn't insist that she take me to a hospital, because it occurred to me several times that i might need my precious finger amputated. I'm exceptionally grateful that the damage was not that serious. In fact i never even went in and got it looked at by a medical specialist. I Simply wrapped my finger in medical tape, cotton balls, and popcicle sticks. This i think is a testament to human will, or at the very least, my will. Or maybe my stupidity.... you see, I am a weakling. I bruise like a peach and yell out a hearty "ow" when someone taps my shoulder to get my attention. But on this occasion I thoughened up and went dress shopping while severly injured. Now, all the exterior wounds i sustained have healed and the only evidence of the event is a small scar that too, is slowly fading. But i didn't completely escape this travesty unscathed... the nerves surrounding the place of impact are screwed up. Any pressure put on the area result in a painful tingling followed by my entire finger going numb. Normally i don't notice, but today, i've done a lot of typing and my finger is starting to complain.  So i'm going to stop.

Work, work, work.

For those people who are unemployed, i feelyour pain.  Or i did.  A year to the day after i left my last job at a retirement home, i FINALLY found another job.  I left the previous job to go to college about 2 hours away, but after one semester decided i had better things to do.  So i moved back home in dec. and  had been looking for a job since when last month my brother in law, Adam, told me they were hiring for new positions at his office, where i now work as a "Customer Support Rep."  That's right, when you have a problem with an account or you just don't understand what it is your reading, you call me.  Now, after having been unemployed and doing pretty much nothing all day long, you'd think i'd enjoy having a real reason to actually get out of bed before 2 p.m.  And at first was so happy, but now, not so much.  I spend all day talking to people who are stressed, broke, and more often thannot, completely pissed off.  So, that makes me feel pissed of, which is a no-no because when i talk on the phone i need to sound happy.  When i'm not talking to the rudest people ever, i'm waiting to talk to the rudest people EVER!  So after only doing the job for two weeks, i'm ready to shoot myself.  I once worked at a radio station as a d.j. and it was the best time i ever had in my life.  However it was a college class and i did get college credit for it, but no actual dough, so that ended.  I've decided i really want a job where all i have to do is listen to music all day and try to make people life.  Or, better yet, i'd like to be making the music.  I used to sing all the time, and went on a music tour through europw singing with the Utah Ambassadors of Music.  So i'm assuming that i have at least a little talent.  I really just want to sing all night long!  Ya, ya, i know it's a little cheezy but doesn't everyone want to be a rockstar.  Personally, i think i would make a pretty good one if i got a hair cut and some new shoes.   

This is for you Emily...

I have a friend named Emily.  She's kind of always there.  Not in a bad, "why won't this chick leave me alone?" way.  It's more like she always knows when i need someone to talk to, someone to make me laugh, or even someone to just sit and eat dorritos with.  Anyway, Emily likes to blog.  And over the past few days she's mentioned that i should start blogging too.  So tonight, we were doing some work on the computer we decided to make me one.  If you're really out there reading and you're really that stupid, this is that blog.  So this is m first ever post.  And i have to say, simply typing all this out, and putting these events in to words (even if they go unread) is kind of liberating.  So, thanks Emily.


At this point in time, i'd like to explain my blogs name, or title, or headline. "Why can't life be great now, and not when?"  One day i sat thinking about how my life would be great when i lost a few pounds, when i got that job i wanted, or when i got the guy i thought was cute.  That was when i realized, that even if those things did happen, which some have thankyou very much, would my life really be so much better, or would i simply move on to the next "when's"?? eventually, the whens would become things like, when i get my degree, and when i get married, and when i start a family, (Which i see being very far into my future) would my life really be better? would my life actually mean more to me when i had the things and experiences that i wanted? or would it just be different.  I feel like when someone says "When...."  they may be looking optimistically to the future, but their also looking at that very moment with decidedly pessimistic overtones.  So, i've decided that my life is great now.  I may not drive a reallynice car, but at least the one i do have runs.  I may be living at home while my parents are going through a divorce, but at least i still have my parents and am saving considerably on rent.  Someday my life will change.  Not for the better, and not for the worse, because in reality who can tell one from the other.  You may lose your job but end up finding a better one that you actually like.  You could get that promotion you always wanted but miss all the times you could have been with your family.  I don't know what's good for me and what's not, so right now, i am content.  Well, content-ish, we'll need to see how tonight goes.  I'll let you know.